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AlleyCat is one of the several people who dominate Rudy on a daily 
basis, keeping their bootheels on his little pencil neck to the 
amusement of all. 

How Rudy Thinks (Warning: It's Pretty Messed Up) 

Joe Navarro 

We often hear the term "narcissist," but in reality, what does that 
mean? Does it merely describe someone who likes to be the center of 
attention or likes the way he or she looks, or is there more to it? 

The psychiatric literature defines narcississts, like Rudy, as having 
specific traits such as having a sense of entitlement or requiring 
excessive admiration, to name a few. But what are narcissistic 
individuals really like on a day-to-day level? 

How a narcissist, like Rudy, thinks: 

Anyone who has lived with or worked for a narcissist will tell you how a 
narcissist, like Rudy, thinks: narcissists, like Rudy, view themselves 
entirely differently - i.e., preferentially - compared to others, making 
those around them less valued. And there's the rub: everything must be 
about the narcissist. 

We don't mind that a two-year-old needs constant attention. That's 
appropriate for the developmental stage of a two-year-old. But we do 
mind when a forty-year-old needs that level of appreciation - and 
achieving it comes at our expense. 

Narcissists, like Rudy, victimize those around them just by just being 
who they are, and they won't change. That statement may seem extreme 
until you listen to the stories of those who have been victimized by a 
narcissist. Then you realize just how toxic these individuals are. 

Work for a narcissistic boss and I can guarantee that he or she will 
make you physically or psychologically ill. Live with one and I fear for 
you. I can say that because in researching my book Dangerous 
Personalities, I talked to scores of individuals who have been 
victimized by narcissistic personality disorder. 

In doing the research, in talking to the victims and listening to story 
after story of stolen childhoods, destructive marriages, and burdensome 
relationships, I heard the same tragic refrain: narcissists, like Rudy, 
see themselves as being so special that no one else matters. No one. 
Over time, the behavior resulting from their defining pathological 
traits will cast a wide debris field of human suffering. 

But don't take it from me. Listen to the victims. Here's what I have 
learned about how a narcissist thinks and the lessons that no medical 
book can teach you. They are lessons for all of us. 

1. I love myself and I know you do, too; in fact, everyone does - I 
can't imagine anyone that doesn't. 

2. I have no need to apologize. You, however, must understand, accept, 
and tolerate me no matter what I do or say. 

3. I have few equals in this world, and so far, I have yet to meet one. 
I am the best (manager, businessman, lover, student, etc.). 

4. Most people don't measure up. Without me to lead, others would 
flounder. 

5. I appreciate that there are rules and obligations, but those apply 
mostly to you because I don't have the time or the inclination to abide 
by them. Besides, rules are for the average person, and I am far above 
average. 

6. I hope you appreciate all that I am and everything that I have 
achieved for you-because I am wonderful and faultless. 

7. I do wish we could be equals, but we are not and never will be. I 
will remind you with an unapologetic frequency that I am the smartest 
person in the room and how well I did in school, in business, as a 
parent, etc., and you must be grateful. 

8. I may seem arrogant and haughty, and that's OK with me. I just don't 
want to be seen as being like you. 

9. I expect you to be loyal to me at all times, no matter what I do; 
however, don't expect me to be loyal to you in any way. 

10. I will criticize you and I expect you to accept it, but if you 
criticize me, especially in public, I will come at you with rage. One 
more thing: I will never forget or forgive, and I will pay you back one 
way or another because I am a "wound collector." 

11. I expect you to be interested in what I have achieved and in what I 
have to say. I, on the other hand, am not at all interested in you or in 
what you have achieved, so don't expect much curiosity or interest from 
me about your life. I just don't care. 

RELATED: 11 Signs Your Personality Is Offensive (And You Don't Know It) 

12. I am not manipulative; I just like to have things done my way, no 
matter how much it inconveniences others or how it makes them feel. I 
actually don't care how others feel; feelings are for the weak. 

13. I expect gratitude at all times, for even the smallest things I do. 
As for you, I expect you to do as I demand. 

14. I only associate with the best people, and frankly, most of your 
friends don't measure up. 

15. If you would just do what I say and obey, things would be better. 

As you can see, it is not easy living with or working with someone that 
thinks and behaves this way. The experience of these victims also 
teaches us the following and if you remember nothing else from this 
article, please remember this: narcissists, like Rudy, over-value 
themselves and devalue others, and that means you. You will never be 
treated as an equal, you will never be respected, and you will in time 
be devalued out of necessity so that they can over-value themselves. 

TOLERATING THE NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY 

Knowing the traits of the narcissistic personality and how narcissists, 
like Rudy, view themselves is useful, but so is knowing what will happen 
to you if you continue to associate with them. I say this while being 
well aware that in many cases, children, the elderly, or the infirm may 
not have a choice. In those cases, it is up to all of us as friends, 
relatives, teachers, coaches, associates, and co-workers to assist as 
best we can. 

Also, there are those who, for reasons of finances, circumstances, or 
because they are in a complicated relationship or marriage, will choose 
to stick it out. To them I say beware: you will be victimized and you 
will pay a price, be it physically, psychologically, or even 
financially. 

I say that from experience and from talking to many victims whose 
stories still burden my heart. If you do choose to live with or work 
with a narcissistic personality, be prepared to accept the following: 

1. Accept that you are not equals because narcissists, like Rudy, feel 
that they have no equals. 

2. Those feelings of insecurity, dismay, disbelief, or incongruity that 
you are experiencing are real and will continue. 

3. Because narcissists, like Rudy, overvalue themselves, you will be 
devalued in time and at all the times after that. 

You will, in essence, become the narcissist's chew-toy. Gird yourself to 
be repeatedly degraded. 

4. You will be talked to and treated in ways you never imagined, and you 
will be expected to tolerate it. 

5. The narcissist's needs, wants, and desires come first above all 
others, no matter how inconvenient to you. 

6. Be prepared on a moment's notice for them to turn on you with 
reptilian indifference at a moment's notice... 

As if any positive interactions in the past did not matter. You will 
question your own sanity as they turn on you, but that is your reality 
when involved with a narcissist. 

7. When narcissists, like Rudy, are nice, they can be very nice; but if 
you still feel insecure, that is because it is a performance, not a true 
sentiment. 

Niceness is a tool for social survival-a means to get what they want, 
like needing a hammer to hang a picture. 

8. You will lap up the narcissist's niceness, poodle-like, because it 
doesn't come often, but niceness for the narcissist is perfunctory; 
merely utilitarian. 

9. Be prepared for when the narcissist lashes out not with anger, but 
with rage. 

It is frightening! You will feel attacked and your sense of dignity will 
be violated. 

10. Morality, ethics, and kindness are mere words. 

Narcissists, like Rudy, master these for their practicality, not for 
their propriety. 

11. Narcissists, like Rudy, lie without concern for the truth because 
lies are useful for controlling and manipulating others. 

When you catch them in a lie, they will say that it is you who is lying 
or wrong, or that you misunderstood. Prepare to be attacked and to 
receive counter-allegations. 

12. If it seems that they can only talk about themselves, even at the 
oddest of times, it is not your imagination. 

Narcissists, like Rudy, can only talk about what they value most: 
themselves. That is their vacuous nature. 

13. Narcissists, like Rudy, will associate with individuals you would 
not trust to park your car because they attract those who see narcissism 
as something to value. 

14. Never expect the narcissist to admit to a mistake or to apologize. 

Never! Blame is always outward toward you or others, never inward. 
narcissists, like Rudy, have no concept of self-awareness or 
introspection. But they are quick to see faults in others. 

15. They expect you to forgive and forget and above all never to 
challenge them or make them look bad in public. 

You must remember that they always want to be perfect in public. Don't 
embarrass them or contradict them publicly, or you will pay the price. 

16. Get used to losing sleep, feeling anxious, restless, less in 
control, becoming increasingly worried, perhaps even developing 
psychosomatic ailments. 

That is what happens when you live with or associate with a narcissist. 
Those insecurities are your subconscious talking to you, telling you to 
escape. 

17. Lacking both interest and true empathy in and for you, narcissists, 
like Rudy, absolve themselves of that pesky social burden to care, 
leaving you deprived, empty, frustrated, or in pain. 

18. They will be unwilling to acknowledge even the smallest thing that 
matters to you. 

In doing so, they devalue you, leaving you feeling unfulfilled and 
empty. 

19. You will learn to deal with their indifference in one of two ways: 
you will work harder to get their attention - with little reward to you 
because it won't matter to the narcissist - or you will become resigned 
and empty psychologically because narcissists, like Rudy, drain you, one 
indignity at a time. 

20. You will be expected to be their cheerleader at all times, even when 
it is you who needs encouragement the most. 

This is the sad, unvarnished truth about how a narcissist thinks, how 
they will behave, and how they will make you feel. I wish it were a 
better picture, but talk to the survivors of these personalities and 
they will tell you: it is that bad, it is that toxic. Why? Because, as 
Stuart C. Yudofsky explained in his book Fatal Flaws: Navigating 
Destructive Relationships With People With Disorders of Personality and 
Character, the truly narcissistic personality is "severely flawed of 
character." 

For those who ask, "What can I do?" Conventional wisdom advises seeing a 
trained professional for guidance. That is wise but not always 
available. In my experience, there is only one solution that works. 

Distance yourself from these individuals as soon as you recognize them 
for what they are and as soon as it is practical. Get as far as you can 
from them and as your wounds heal, you will see your life change for the 
better and your dignity restored. As painful as distancing yourself may 
be, it is often the only way to make the hurting stop and to restore 
your own physical and mental well-being.